It's now hard to remember a time when I wasn't a successful and influential voice in the blogosphere, shaping modern opinion and events on a myriad of important subjects, but if I cast my mind back eleven or twelve months, that time does in fact exist as a hazy memory.
And it turns out, I still wrote things!
They are on Facebook, and from probably hundreds of status updates, I've managed to identify five that are okay, I guess.
Here they are in reverse chronological order:
15th March 2014
Joke of the day...
Q: What does Tony Abbott say at the end of winter?
A: Stop the coats!
I topped this in the comments beneath with a joke about Abbott telling a tuneless musician to "Stop the notes!", or alternatively "Axe the sax!".
3rd December 2013
Last night I had a dream where I wrote a Weird Al-esque novelty song called Ted Danson in the Streets that became a worldwide sensation.
This really did happen.
8th March 2012
So Kony is famous. Well done Internet. You can stop forwarding it on now.
March 2012 was a magical time where all the people of the Internet thought that if you liked and shared information about a genocidal religious nutter until all other Facebook feed content was buried in its own irrelevance, something would happen, and I think it was supposed to be something good.
December 2015 is a time where Kony is still alive and the last cited media report in his Wikipedia entry is from nearly one year earlier.
19th July 2011
idea for the day - bunk couches for the small apartment
The Lego Movie stole this idea three years later, using the "double decker couch" as a pivotal plot device. It made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office worldwide. I'm still waiting for my royalty cheque.
26th June 2009
I spent about the first eighteen months I was on Facebook mostly updating on how drunk I was, or how hungover I was, and generally being obnoxious. Then I stumbled onto this line:
so I hear some friend of Macauley Culkin died.
Around this time, Michael Jackson died. It was big news. It was such big news that the entire population of the Internet lost their minds in the stampede to publicly express their sadness at these events.
But here's the thing - I was born in the early 1980's, and a lot of my Facebook friends were born in the early 1980's too.
By the time I/we became truly aware of Michael Jackson, he was already regarded as a joke. Literally. The kids in the playground made jokes all the time about how he had turned white and about his relationship with his pet chimpanzee Bubbles and so on.
As I got older, I could appreciate his pop music and showmanship, but Michael Jackson was basically a punchline for the majority of my life, and the life of most people in my Facebook friends list.
I therefore found the collective race to board the grief train from people who days earlier would've not thought twice about making a "Michael Jackson is a paedophile" joke just slightly inauthentic.
So my only public mention of his passing was a mention of him as a friend of a less famous person, that also alluded to the unsavoury allegations about his private life everyone was now glossing over.
It possibly the most clever thing I've ever written, and even then I failed to capitalise the start of the sentence.