Messed Up Nursery Rhymes

We have a book of nursery rhymes.

The boys sometimes ask me to read it before bed. This usually works by them pointing to a page and saying, "I wanna read this one!". This routine is actually redundant, because they point to every single page in the book. Some rhymes have illustrations over two pages. I have to read them twice.

A lot of these rhymes are a bit wrong. In order of appearance in the book:

Not an egg.

Jack And Jill
Jack "breaks his crown", also known as a fractured skull. His rehab involves brown paper and vinegar. Jack is probably not going to survive his fall.

Humpty Dumpty
At no point in the rhyme does it actually say Humpty Dumpty is an egg. Given "all the king's horses and king's men" are summoned for his/her rescue, he/she is probably a very important and now dead person.

Three Blind Mice
A lady casually mutilates three small and defenceless animals.

It's Raining, It's Pouring
An old man bumps his head and can't get up in the morning. This is why old people have assisted living. He is probably going to be found by his neighbours in three months once his corpse begins to smell.

Ring-A-Ring O' Rosies
"A-tissue! A-tissue! We all fall down!" - it's about the Black Death or something else that, many centuries ago, would've killed you and everyone you cared about.

London Bridge
If a bridge falls down in one of the major cities of the world, there are going to be a lot of dead and seriously injured people. The rhyme sounds like something you should sing aloud if you intend to get onto a no-fly list.

Oranges And Lemons
I'd never heard this one before, but it's in the book. It starts innocently enough with rhymes like "'when will you pay me?', say the bells of Old Bailey. 'When I grow rich', say the bells of Shoreditch.", and so on. Then it ends with "here comes the chopper to chop off your head. Chop chop, chip chop, the last man's head!". It's a rather shocking escalation of events.

Wee Willie Winkie
There's nothing explicit here, but a dude is running through town at night "rapping at the window, crying through the lock". That seems like a creepy ghost story.

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater
He imprisons his wife in a pumpkin shell. Replace wife with daughter, and pumpkin shell with basement. Peter is basically the inspiration for Josef Fritzl.

Sing A Song Of Sixpence
The maid has her nose pecked off by a blackbird, which is rather gruesome and possibly fatal.

There Was A Crooked Man
It's clear this isn't a description of the man having a crooked personality, he is actually crooked in a physical sense. It sounds like he has a serious and painful disease, like polio or neurosyphilis.

The Big Ship Sails On The Alley, Alley O
Never heard this one before getting the book either. But the second verse has the captain saying "it'll never do", the third verse has the ship sinking to the bottom of the sea, and the last verse says "we all dip our heads in the deep, blue sea". So yeah, it's a nursery rhyme about drowning when your ship sinks. I only read the first verse now.

Rock-A-Bye, Baby, On The Tree Top
A baby falls from the top of a tree, "cradle and all". And this is sung to calm an infant before sleeping.