Stuff My Kids Say, Part Two

This is the funniest stuff my kids have done in the last couple of months.

Stories from before these HERE. Also, there is the funny stuff my toddlers said from before that.


1.
The twin boys are about three-and-a-half now. Which seems to be the age to develop attitude. The following are some examples...

• When asked why he didn't want to finish his cereal, R said, "sometimes I eat breakfast, and sometimes I don't". Then he shrugged his shoulders, as if to say, just deal with that.

• Later at dinner, on refusing to eat vegetables, J told me, "J___'s don't eat peas". He wasn't speaking about himself in the third person. He was speaking as the spokesperson for everybody in the world that shares his first name.

• I always ask them what they did at childcare. J will say "anything", which is what he says instead of nothing. R tells me to "read it on your phone". He knows they have an app which provides a daily update for parents.

• In regards to "who did it?", R once replied, "it's a mystery."

• J likes to control the television. When you convince him not to watch, he has to use the remote to turn it off. If you turn it of for him, there is serious drama. One time we were suggesting he just leave it on so mummy and daddy can watch something. He said, "okay, but daddy can only watch football. Nothing else." Then he handed me the remote. It is cricket season.

2.
It's not just with television - J is often quite particular about what events may happen.

We were out at lunch and he got a ridiculously large piece of cake as a special treat after his meal. Mummy asked to try some. J said, "just a little bit, after that there's just no more". When mummy asked again, he was true to his word. "You already had some. Only for dad". Then he scraped a speck of cream from the top of his cake - about the size of a pinhead - onto his plastic fork and tried to feed me.

3.
With the attitude, comes fights.

I now walk them home from the train station at the end of the childcare commute. Until recently, I pushed them in a pram, but I foolishly decided they were too heavy for this. I didn't consider that they were too little to walk properly and too tantrum-prone to convince to go back to the pram again when it wasn't as effective.

So now my mistake has added about twice the time, five times the danger, and over 9000 times the parental stress.

For example, one afternoon as we stopped at the edge of the road, waiting for the green man, R stopped and slapped J in the stomach. J responded by punching him in the head. R cried and complained about it. I asked him what he did first.

He said, "I gave J a high-five to the stomach".

That was too funny and clever for me to stay mad, so I said, "I guess with Josh hitting you back, you're even".

R responded angrily, "don't call me even".

4.
R usually hits first. On one occasion I asked him why he shouldn't hit. He said, "because it's wrong". I then asked why it was wrong. R told me it, "because grown-ups are angry".

5. 
There is also no filter with the attitude. Consider these stories (warning: some of these are gross).

• R was holding his crotch while talking, and got asked if he needed to go the toilet. He responded loudly, "I just like playing with my doodle".

• J after making it to the toilet, called out "Daddy, I'm going to do a poo!" Then more quietly, "wait for it... Wait. For. It..."

• There was also a time where J announced his intent to do a #2, then couldn't do one. J suggested, "maybe the poo is asleep?"

• Finally R starting screaming for a tissue because, "I ate a booger and it wasn't very tasty". After further discussion, he revealed that his boogers are usually delicious.

6.
We went on a brief holiday to Queensland recently. The first morning after our arrival, we were getting ready to leave our apartment. I asked J to get his shoes from his wardrobe.

He went to the wardrobe in the master bedroom.

I told him to try the wardrobe in his room instead. "Ohhh", he said. Then he went into his room and opened the top drawer to the bedside table. "I can't find them", he said.

By the way, here is J putting his shoes to good use:

7.
At the end of the holiday, I asked the boys what their favourite part was.

J said, "anything".

R said, "sleeping".

By the way, here is R sleeping in a "big persons bed":

8.
On sleeping, once R woke up and grabbed each side of my head in his little hands, pulled me close to his face, and with his eyes open wide he whispered very seriously, "last night, I had a dream. About. Kung. Fu. Panda."

9.
On the holiday we had the sat-nav going on the phone, but R declared that J "is holding a map, so you can turn it off".

So I asked J where we should go.

After consulting his map, he told me, "keep going straight on this road."

He was correct!

Then he added, "then go through the road, and up to the sky".

10.
It was a fun holiday and we stayed at a wonderful apartment. Unfortunately, I'm not sure we'll be welcome back, after R and J spent an early Sunday morning at the pool screaming, "Fire! Fire! The building is on fire!".

They were using pool noodles as imaginary fire hoses and aiming them at the palm trees.