Stuff My Kids Say, Part Three

This is the funniest stuff my two oldest boys, a.k.a. the twins, a.k.a. R & J, have done in the last couple of months. They are three-and-a-half years old.

Pictured: R&J - come laugh with them, forever and ever and ever...

Previous funny stuff is archived HERE.

1.
My wife was watching a replay of Donald Trump's inauguration speech, I guess because she likes yelling at the television while developing a crippling sense of inevitable doom for the entire planet. At one point, Trump referred to the United States as a "wonderful nation". R was walking through the room at this time and repeated it - "a wonderful nation".

My wife asked him, "hey R, do you live in a wonderful nation?"

"No, I live in Tempe", he replied. Harsh truths for the 2044.

2.
Perhaps it's not surprising that a suburb which has as its greatest attractions Ikea and aircraft noise doesn't cut it for R. His tastes are very sophisticated.

One morning after J had already decided "breakfast is yucky, I want chocolate biscuits", R was asked if he was happy to eat (the already made) eggs and toast.

He said, "I want eggs and smoked salmon." 

3.

J deciding breakfast is yucky is unsurprising. He recently decided he hates pizza. The kid makes no sense.

When he is hungry, he says "my tummy is rumbling".

Usually his tummy only rumbles for biscuits, ice cream or chocolate. More recently he yelled, "my tummy is rumbling, I want to go to the pub!" I should clarify this was to get food, not for beers (at least until he is 12).

If you offer J an alternative to biscuits, ice cream, chocolate, the pub... he will say, "my tummy isn't rumbling for that!"

4.

We drove past the golden arches, and R starting whining, "I want hamburgers. I want Old McDonald".

5.

One night I asked R & J to please get out of the bath.

R looked at me and said, "get in..."

He then paused, clearly stuck on how to finish his opposite defiance.

"...my?..."

"...pants!", he finished.

"Uhh", I stammered, "I'm not sure, uhh..."

At that point, J made the save.

"My doodle is very long when I pull it," he said. And did. 

6.
A few days later, J yelled "here's some nice buns!" to my wife. Then he dropped his pants and mooned her.

7.
R has his own body quirks. 

One day in the kitchen, he told me, "I have more bones than you."

I replied, "we all have the same number of bones. 206."

R was not impressed by his old mans trivia. "Nah, I have eighty-nine six bones", he retorted, clearly attempting to say the largest number he could imagine. Then he landed the killer blow to end the debate.

"Dada, I even have bones in my feet."

8.
Both boys are obsessed with getting bandaids for everything. So we instituted a no blood, no bandaid rule. When they asked for clarification one what bleeding is, I said it was red stuff that drips.

This has created some issues.

Whenever they want a bandaid and I tell them they aren't bleeding, they scream, "my blood doesn't drip!"

Then when J actually had a cut on his foot that warranted a bandaid, he interrupted his mum having a shower yelling, "my blood is dripping! My blood is dripping!" while pointing excitedly to the bandaid.

9.
We were having a conversation where one of my answers to the bombardment of questions was, "it's because I'm old."

J then said, "why can you not died? You die when you're old."

The next day, after some further casual conversation about death, R gave me a cuddle. Afterwards he commented, "you are getting softer".

I replied, "are you calling me fat?".

"No", he said. Then he paused thoughtfully, and added the following clarification - "well only a little bit in your middle."

10.

This last one.

I don't even know if this is going to be funny in the retelling. But it was really funny at the time. So let's try this, and if by the end you're thinking "I don't get this and it was really long too", I guess you had to be there. Just try to remember there were nine funny ones before it.

So I walked into their bedroom and R had a series of small stuffed toys lined up next to his toy pram and baby. He said to me, "these are all my babies!"

"This first one is Janet", he added, pointing to the stuffed toy formerly known as cranky bear.

"Hi Janet," I said.

"No, Ganet."

"Ganet?"

"NO! Chanet. Ch... ch... ch... ch...", he corrected. It is not easy for small children to make individual sounds, and his face was contorted with concentration as he did this.

"Chanet?", I enquired.

"Yes, Chanet."

J then interrupted, holding up cranky bear Chanet. "No. This one is called, Pop-Pop."

R ignored him and moved onto a toy monkey. "And here's Monkey", he said with a disappointing lack of creativity.

J snatched monkey from him, held it up and said, "and here's Pop-Pop."

Now we moved onto the baby in the pram. "This is Thomas", said R. I knew the babies name was Thomas, it's been his name for awhile, me and Thomas go way back.

But J had other ideas. "The baby name is Pop-Pop", he grinned.

R picked up his stuffed toy lion. "This is King of the Jungle", he said.

"His name is King of the Jungle, or he is the king of the jungle?", I asked.

"His name is King of the Jungle", it was confirmed.

J interrupted, "his name is Pop-Pop."

"His name is King of the Jungle", R repeated, "but he actually lives in a castle but he's lost. He's living in our home."

"His name is Pop-Pop", J repeated.

That left a stuffed zebra toy.

"This is Hinganynga Penguinpinga", said R, making up for earlier calling a monkey Monkey. I've typed it phonetically, I'm not totally sure on the actual spelling. "He is a cheeky one," he added.

J looked at R. He looked at me. He said, "Pop-Pop."