Stuff My Kids Say, Part Four

I usually keep the story count between R & J even. I don't want them thinking I play favourites when in the future I humiliate them with all these stories.

However, it is getting increasingly difficult to keep things the same. They may be twins, but they are also individuals. They are different people.

Some differences are obvious.

One difference is that R talks all of the time, including whenever J tries to say anything. This is how I end up with four long stories involving R, and four short stories involving J. There is little opportunity for J to speak much more than one-line at a time.


1.
R was singing the timeless classic, Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.

I interrupted. "Well I saw Batman at work today, and he says you smell."

This was almost too much for him to process. He was excited, curious, dubious - all at once. There was no indication that he was particularly bothered by the accusation of being stinky though.

R composed himself and said calmly, "I have two questions."

I was a little taken aback by this development. I wasn't expecting a child that has daily tantrums to suddenly become a logical being. I suddenly realised two things. Firstly, my claim was on trial and I was being prosecuted by one of the sharpest legal minds. Secondly, Batman was very serious business.

"Okay", I said.

"Was Robin there too?"

"No", I answered with conviction. Adding that "he is on annual leave" was an unnecessary flourish that possibly undermined my defense.

"Can I come to your work to see Batman?".

He looked so hopeful. I cracked. "I was just tricking you", I said.

Of course, he already knew this. Aren't kids supposed to be more gullible than this?


2.
J took one bite of his sandwich at lunch before announcing, "I need to go to the toilet!". Kids don't just go to the toilet, it is an event.

"Go for it," I said, without looking up from reading the newspaper on my iPad.

Two minutes later I heard J again. "Thank you for looking after my sandwich", he said quietly.


3.
When J was eating raspberries and yoghurt, he found one raspberry not up to his high standards. It was slightly squashed. "The raspberry is ripped, and I want nothing to do with it", he declared.


4.
R has taken to calling himself "Super R". When he was out with mum, he finally revealed his super power.

"When I become Super R my superpowers stop me from doing naughty things," he announced.

Then he added, "but I won't get my powers until I'm a grown up."


5.
On the same trip with mum, R said he had a secret, but for tomorrow.

The next morning he leaped straight from bed, walked up the hall to our bedroom, and opened the door to the ensuite, where mum was on the toilet.

I later found out he had revealed his secret.

"It's a song secret", he had whispered in mum's ear. "Two a'penny, hot cross buns," he then sung quietly to her.


6.
Sometimes we play 'I Spy' on the walk home from the train station after work/child care.

It was J's turn. He announced, "I spy, with my little eye, something that glows in the dark." It was dark. I looked around for lights.

"Is it a streetlight?"

"No."

"Is it a cars headlights?"

"No."

I was stumped. I checked that R didn't know, then asked what it was.

"A light saber."

"Where's the light saber?", I enquired.

"I'm pretending I can see a light saber," J replied, in a tone that suggested it was obvious.


7.
The next morning it was just me and J on the train. Peak hour, standing room only.

After about thirty seconds, J said his legs are tired. I pick him up, in one arm, because I'm trying to hold the pole to maintain my balance. After awhile I put him down so I can hold it properly. Also, I am pretty weak.

"Carry", he demands.

"I can't matey", I say, "I need to grab onto the pole for balance and you're too heavy for one arm."

"You know you have legs to balance," he says.


8.
Another trip home, and R suddenly announces, "I need a quiet area for thinking."

It quickly becomes apparent he's already done a little thinking.

"The cupboard will become my quiet area... we'll take out the shelves and put in a rocking chair... I'll need help from two grown-ups... it needs a lock, and paint. But I'm good at painting, so I can do that by myself."

Eventually I'm able to ask, "what are you going to think about?"

"My animals", R replies.

"What animals?"

"Oh, all of them. Elephants, gorillas, lions, giraffes."

"What about worms?", I suggest.

"Noooo! I hate worms. I had a dream about worms all over my body. I was breaking them in half. It was horrible."

There is silence.

"Uh, which cupboard are we going to make into your quiet area?", I ask.