Monday, 7 March 2016

The Simpsons Quotes, Part One

I've seen every episode of The Simpsons from when it was still a good show - about the first ten seasons - between three and approximately three-hundred times.

My wife thought I was funny until I gradually revealed all my best lines were recycled jokes from the show. Fortunately by the time she realised I was totally devoid of humour, we were married and she was trapped in our relationship with two children, so it's all good.

These are the quotes I use most often.

Credit to the amazing website for the images.

It's my first day is without doubt the quote from The Simpsons I most frequently use. Initially it was only when I made an error doing something trivial that was a new experience or task. But since I realised that my wife finds it infuriating, I use it when I mess anything up. So about thirteen or fourteen times per day. Fittingly, this is exactly the same way Homer repeatedly uses it in the episode.

You don't win friends with salad is the only acceptable response if people ask you if you want more of something vegetarian rather than something comprised of a delicious animal. I've also adapted this to be a compliment - if I eat a particularly good salad, then it's a salad you can win friends with.

Purple monkey dishwasher is a bit obscure. In the episode, the striking teachers pass a message down the picket line that "Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute". By the time it reaches the end of the line it is "Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher". It's an average joke about Chinese Whispers, or whatever the non-racist, non-offensive title for that childhood game is. Anyway, my brother and I used to end our part of the conversation with "purple monkey dishwasher" whenever we suspected the other one wasn't listening. Now my wife and I do the same thing, although much less often.

Your ideas are intriguing to me is pretty versatile. Basically I use it when I have nothing further to add to an idea expressed. It doesn't matter whether I think the person is totally on point, if I legitimately think it's an interesting left-field idea I'd like to hear more about, or simply believe the whole conversation to be batshit insane. Works all the time, in any situation.

It's a perfectly cromulent word is the only way to respond if you mispronounce or make up a word during a conversation, and get called out on it.

Everything's comin' up Milhouse is the original quote, but when applying to real world experiences, I find it makes more sense if I cleverly replace the name Milhouse with my own name. Used whenever something good unexpectedly occurs.

Dinner's getting all cold and eaten is what I say whenever my wife or kids are spending a bit too long away from the dinner table.

I see you've played knifey-spoony before is the perfect retort when someone calls out your bluff, your bullshit, or for simply admitting you got it wrong. You can also substitute knifey-spoony with a more relevant game. For example, while watching a movie on the couch you might be all like "hey, that's Bill Pulman", and your significant other will be "nah, that's totally Bill Paxton", and you'll have to concede "I see you've played Pulman-Paxton before".

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