Eurovision 2015: My Votes Are In!

For the first time in years, I watched Eurovision. Not live, the replay. I'm not getting up at 5:00am on a Sunday. I like to sleep in. So I get up at 5:40am when one of my children starts screaming, bring them into our bed, get headbutted and kicked for the next two hours, before getting up before you do anyway. A nice lie in to start a lazy Sunday.

Anyway, I watched Eurovision and they forgot to count my votes!

I greeted Vienna with "Hello, Lounge Room calling, here are the votes from Rob..." and got the disconnected tone.

So here are my points to be added on:

One Point – United Kingdom

This was shithouse... but Eurovision is supposed to be shithouse. There was a dangerously high number of competent singers belting out boring ballads in this competition. When did Eurovision get so mainstream and safe? I appreciate the UK being so far behind the curve that they entered this cheesy dross years after everyone else starting taking the competition seriously. Also, ever since they let other countries sing in English, the UK needs some charity points.

Two Points – Montenegro

If Bert Newton dyed his hair black, had Balkan heritage and could sing in Montenegrin, he would be this guy. I was waiting for Montenegro Moonface to throw to Magda, who would try and sell us a vacuum cleaner. Good Morning Montenegro!

Three Points – Estonia

This started interesting with a guy kind of sounding like Chris Isaak, but instead of doing his own high part like in "Wicked Game" a woman comes in to make it a surprise duet. I learnt from Eurovision that central and eastern Europe loves duets with terrible chemistry between the two singers. About half the entrants from east of the ruins of the Berlin Wall fit that description, of which Estonia did the least terrible job. It makes me think Australia should've gone with Scott and Charlene as its entrant.

Four Points – Serbia

This woman looked like a classical opera singer, and then halfway through it becomes one of those tracks you'd find on a 1990s techno mix CD. If they had crazy women shouting over the top of the beats. It was pretty awesome.

Five Points – Spain

An attractive woman sings into a wind machine, changes outfits mid-song, then gets so overcome with emotion she literally cries before the song finishes. This. Is. Eurovision.

Six Points – Belgium

This was competent and boring, just like Belgium. Probably one of four songs in the competition I think could be a charting pop song without much alternation (the others are my top three).

Seven Points – Israel

The only epic party song on Eurovision, when there used to be a dozen tracks like this every year. If you change the song line mentioning "Tel Aviv" to "Tripoli" and randomly show me this, I would've guessed this was Lebanese. Everything about this song screams Straight Outta Bankstown. The lead singer is a heavyset teenager with loads of facial hair and ridiculous bling shoes. I've seen his terrible dance moves and I've seen his crew that danced with him. What I'm saying, at the risk of oversimplifying a very complex issue, is this: people of the Middle East, you aren't so different and why can't we all just get along?

Eight Points – Sweden

It's a decent song and well sung, yet I can't help but think if this didn't have that cool cartoon synching up to the performer, it gets quite a few less votes. However, given the Eurovision theme this year of "Building Bridges" that sad little cartoon man was the only thing preventing Russia winning and Putin uses those bridges to send in the tanks and take over Europe.

Ten Points – Australia

Guy came on about 12th, and there had been some surprisingly decent singers to that point, but within two lines you can tell Guy is just on another level. Great voice -  I think he's the best artist to come out of the myriad of Australian music reality shows and it's not even close. And about 15 years on from Australian Idol, he was just way more polished and comfortable on stage than all the provincial jokers from those loser countries.

Twelve Points – Latvia

This song has only grown on me further the next day. It was like Bjork rebooted for 2015, but with henna tattoos and a marginally less silly dress than the infamous swan. I think it came 6th, which is a travesty. Austria and Rob were the only nations to give it maximum points.