* There are four years where there were dual committees and dual winners, because nothing reflects Australia better than arguably her highest civic honour becoming the disorganised plaything of petty provincial rivalries.
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| Greatest country in the galaxy. |
Yet while ranking everyone is pointless, it is clear that some award decisions are much, much better than others.
The following is a list of those others, counting down to the worst award decision:
10 (tied). Allan Border (1989) and Mark Taylor (1999)
Cricket is my favourite sport, but it's still only a game. Awarding the Australian captain an honour like Australian of the Year seems ridiculous.
It has happened three times.
Steve Waugh also raised funds for a leper orphanage in India, so he received the honour for humanitarian reasons as well as good hitting of a ball. But the other two were just cricketers.
Allan Border won the award for captaining Australia to an unlikely 4-0 Ashes thrashing in England. Border's leadership (along with coach Bob Simpson) was very important, but more important was that England were really terrible, using 29 players in six Tests. Border's contributions as a player in the series were minor. The ticker-tape parade that occurred for the victorious team seems a more proportionate civic response than the captain being made Australia of the Year.
Cricket is my favourite sport, but it's still only a game. Awarding the Australian captain an honour like Australian of the Year seems ridiculous.
It has happened three times.
Steve Waugh also raised funds for a leper orphanage in India, so he received the honour for humanitarian reasons as well as good hitting of a ball. But the other two were just cricketers.
Allan Border won the award for captaining Australia to an unlikely 4-0 Ashes thrashing in England. Border's leadership (along with coach Bob Simpson) was very important, but more important was that England were really terrible, using 29 players in six Tests. Border's contributions as a player in the series were minor. The ticker-tape parade that occurred for the victorious team seems a more proportionate civic response than the captain being made Australia of the Year.
Mark Taylor was a sentimental choice. There was a lot of love for Taylor declaring when equal to Bradman's then record highest Test score by an Australian of 334. Some even thought he did it deliberately. Of course, Taylor simply couldn't find the gap on the last ball of the day, then declared overnight to try and win the game. He was a great captain and good batsmen, and would later become a below-average commentator and loyal spokesperson for Fujitsu air-conditioners.
9. Pat Rafter (2002)
9. Pat Rafter (2002)
Rafter was a very good tennis player who won two US Opens and was twice runner-up at Wimbledon. But he wasn't even the best Australian player in his generation - that's clearly Hewitt. He actually won the same number of tournaments as the injury-plagued Philippoussis, and while the Poo never won a grand slam, he did win a Davis Cup Final.
Amongst the (too) many individual sportspeople to win this award, he seems the least accomplished.
Now Rafter did donate a decent chunk of his career earnings to charity, most notably the Starlight Foundation, but he also avoided paying tax on a far greater chunk of those earnings i.e. almost all of it. On those grounds, Rafter probably should've been Bermudan of the Year instead.
In conclusion, Rafter basically got Australian of the Year because the award is often shamelessly populist and he seems like a nice bloke - for example, the way he'd say "sorry mate" as he fucked up another ball toss on his serve really captured our hearts.
Amongst the (too) many individual sportspeople to win this award, he seems the least accomplished.
Now Rafter did donate a decent chunk of his career earnings to charity, most notably the Starlight Foundation, but he also avoided paying tax on a far greater chunk of those earnings i.e. almost all of it. On those grounds, Rafter probably should've been Bermudan of the Year instead.
In conclusion, Rafter basically got Australian of the Year because the award is often shamelessly populist and he seems like a nice bloke - for example, the way he'd say "sorry mate" as he fucked up another ball toss on his serve really captured our hearts.
8. Lee Kernaghan (2008)
I don't know anyone who likes Kernaghan's music, and I'm not sure I want to meet them.
Aside from being a popular country music artist - and I obviously use the term popular in the relative sense, since most Australian's live in metropolitan areas and could hardly find Tamworth on a map - he was also awarded Australian of the Year for supporting rural and regional Australia through a concert tour that raised money for drought relief.
That's quite noble, but any goodwill from that initiative must be eroded by his 2015 album - an ANZAC-themed release, just in time for the centenary of the Gallipoli landing. This was a cynical and opportunistic cash-grab. It worked brilliantly, becoming the highest selling Australian album of the year.
It's unclear whether the profits are going to some other rural cause or just being stashed under Lee's cowboy hat.
Aside from being a popular country music artist - and I obviously use the term popular in the relative sense, since most Australian's live in metropolitan areas and could hardly find Tamworth on a map - he was also awarded Australian of the Year for supporting rural and regional Australia through a concert tour that raised money for drought relief.
That's quite noble, but any goodwill from that initiative must be eroded by his 2015 album - an ANZAC-themed release, just in time for the centenary of the Gallipoli landing. This was a cynical and opportunistic cash-grab. It worked brilliantly, becoming the highest selling Australian album of the year.
It's unclear whether the profits are going to some other rural cause or just being stashed under Lee's cowboy hat.
7. Paul Hogan (1985)
I'm slightly too young to remember Paul Hogan in his prime, so I will never truly appreciate what a pop culture phenomenon he was. Already one of Australia's most popular entertainers through The Paul Hogan Show and a starring role in the TV miniseries ANZACS, his 1985 award also noted his services in promoting Australia abroad. This refers to the "shrimp on the barbie" ads promoting Australia as a tourist destination for Americans, which must have been effective because it's still a reference used thirty years later on both sides of the Pacific.
Then in 1986, "Crocodile" Dundee was released. It was the highest grossing film worldwide for the year. Like, wow. These days Australian films are successful if anyone who doesn't personally know a member of the cast and crew checks it out at the cinema.
It was though Hoges could do no wrong, until the next thirty years saw that theory thoroughly debunked.
In his career, he most notably turned down the lead role in Ghost to write and star in Almost An Angel. In his personal life, he was vigorously pursued for tax avoidance over many years. The tax office never got their money, but ironically Hogan subsequently is unable to access a similar amount stashed in a Swiss Bank account.
"Crocodile" Dundee is still epic though.
Then in 1986, "Crocodile" Dundee was released. It was the highest grossing film worldwide for the year. Like, wow. These days Australian films are successful if anyone who doesn't personally know a member of the cast and crew checks it out at the cinema.
It was though Hoges could do no wrong, until the next thirty years saw that theory thoroughly debunked.
In his career, he most notably turned down the lead role in Ghost to write and star in Almost An Angel. In his personal life, he was vigorously pursued for tax avoidance over many years. The tax office never got their money, but ironically Hogan subsequently is unable to access a similar amount stashed in a Swiss Bank account.
"Crocodile" Dundee is still epic though.
6. Sir Norman Gilroy (1970)
Gilroy was the first Australian born cardinal of the Catholic Church, appointed in 1946. He was Archbishop of Sydney from 1940 to 1971. His knighthood in 1969 made him the first Roman Catholic cardinal to get a knighthood since the English reformation.
But I don't do Catholicism, and neither do most Australians.
But I don't do Catholicism, and neither do most Australians.
5. Jock Sturrock (1962)
Sturrock was the skipper of Australia's first Americas Cup challenge in 1962. He lost 4-1. Now that one win was the first race lost by the United States since 1934, but ultimately we still made a huge loser Australian of the Year.
He skippered again in 1967, and lost 4-0.
If nothing else, his award at least provides evidence that Australia's bizarre yachting obsession lasted many decades before the sport faded to complete obscurity in the 21st century.
He skippered again in 1967, and lost 4-0.
If nothing else, his award at least provides evidence that Australia's bizarre yachting obsession lasted many decades before the sport faded to complete obscurity in the 21st century.
4. The Lord Casey (1969)
Or to use his full title at the time of being awarded Australian of the Year:
His Excellency The Rt. Hon. The Lord Casey GCMG CH DSO MC KStJ PC, Governor-General of Australia.
Richard appears to have got the gong for services to Tory politics.
He entered federal parliament in the 1930s, resigning when appointed ambassador to the United States. This posting was not given as a reward for incompetence like with Joe Hockey, but as a way of sidelining a threat to Menzies' party leadership. He was then appointed by Churchill as the Minister Resident in the Middle East and Governor of Bengal during WWII. Dick returned to parliament in 1949, and after serving a number of ministerial portfolios, resigned in 1960 when made a life peer and member of the House of Lords. In 1965 he was made Governor-General on Menzies' recommendation, probably as thanks for never challenging his leadership, an act of great restraint and greater cowardice that allowed 23 years of completely uninterrupted and completely unimaginative conservative rule of Australia.
Following this, Richie won Australian of the Year, adding it to the alphabet that follows his name, and heavily politicising a civic award. Then he died in 1976.
3. Peter Hollingworth (1991)
His Excellency The Rt. Hon. The Lord Casey GCMG CH DSO MC KStJ PC, Governor-General of Australia.
Richard appears to have got the gong for services to Tory politics.
He entered federal parliament in the 1930s, resigning when appointed ambassador to the United States. This posting was not given as a reward for incompetence like with Joe Hockey, but as a way of sidelining a threat to Menzies' party leadership. He was then appointed by Churchill as the Minister Resident in the Middle East and Governor of Bengal during WWII. Dick returned to parliament in 1949, and after serving a number of ministerial portfolios, resigned in 1960 when made a life peer and member of the House of Lords. In 1965 he was made Governor-General on Menzies' recommendation, probably as thanks for never challenging his leadership, an act of great restraint and greater cowardice that allowed 23 years of completely uninterrupted and completely unimaginative conservative rule of Australia.
Following this, Richie won Australian of the Year, adding it to the alphabet that follows his name, and heavily politicising a civic award. Then he died in 1976.
3. Peter Hollingworth (1991)
I think Hollingworth did a lot of great work in social justice as longtime executive director of the Brotherhood of St Laurence - especially with the unemployed and homeless. He also has very public and socially progressive views on subjects like Aboriginal rights and women being ordained in the church.
But he had to resign as Governor-General when dogged by allegations that he failed to act appropriately in relation to child sexual abuse claims while he was Archbishop of Brisbane. And he is still answering questions to this day - most recently at the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse last year.
Sorry, there are no jokes on this one.
But he had to resign as Governor-General when dogged by allegations that he failed to act appropriately in relation to child sexual abuse claims while he was Archbishop of Brisbane. And he is still answering questions to this day - most recently at the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse last year.
Sorry, there are no jokes on this one.
2. The Seekers (1968)
My two mains problems with The Seekers being Australian of the Year are:
1. The Seekers is not a person, but a musical group. It is called Australian of the Year, not Australians of the Year.
2. Their music is awful.
1. The Seekers is not a person, but a musical group. It is called Australian of the Year, not Australians of the Year.
2. Their music is awful.
1. Alan Bond (1978)
There are pros and cons with Alan Bond being awarded Australian of the Year.
Pro: in 1983 he funded the winning entry in the America's Cup. He actually won the award five years earlier for funding a losing challenge, so winning it was off the charts. See earlier discussion of Australia's bizarre relationship with yachting.
Con: he was a key player in Australia's largest ever corporate collapse, with debts of approximately 1.8 billion dollars.
Pro: he set a precedent where saying "I can't recall" hundreds of times does not constitute credible evidence in a court of law.
Con: is the only Australian of the Year to have a criminal conviction (for fraud) and serve time in gaol (four years, originally sentenced to seven).
Pro: is, uhhh well, he made humble Aussie battler Kerry Packer even richer by buying Channel 9 and then selling it back to him a few years later at a significant loss.
Con: his creditors only received 12 million dollars, which amounts to about 0.5 cents in the dollar for his total debts.
Pro: he is now dead.
Con: after being released from prison, Bond amassed a personal wealth of approximately 200 million dollars through African mining deals that were probably dodgy and grossly exploitative.
After weighting these arguments up, Alan Bond is the official Worst Australian of the Year.
Pro: in 1983 he funded the winning entry in the America's Cup. He actually won the award five years earlier for funding a losing challenge, so winning it was off the charts. See earlier discussion of Australia's bizarre relationship with yachting.
Con: he was a key player in Australia's largest ever corporate collapse, with debts of approximately 1.8 billion dollars.
Pro: he set a precedent where saying "I can't recall" hundreds of times does not constitute credible evidence in a court of law.
Con: is the only Australian of the Year to have a criminal conviction (for fraud) and serve time in gaol (four years, originally sentenced to seven).
Pro: is, uhhh well, he made humble Aussie battler Kerry Packer even richer by buying Channel 9 and then selling it back to him a few years later at a significant loss.
Con: his creditors only received 12 million dollars, which amounts to about 0.5 cents in the dollar for his total debts.
Pro: he is now dead.
After weighting these arguments up, Alan Bond is the official Worst Australian of the Year.
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