Stuff My Kids Say, Part One

I'm back to mine the rich seam of comedy gold my two oldest boys provide. They are twins. This may or may not be a picture of them:

With twins you could say we have... a Full House.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1!

I've previously documented their best stuff in the Toddlers series: see parts one, two, three, four and
five.

Here's the latest...


1.
Most mornings I get woken by a child coming around to my side of the bed, happily informing me "it's wake up time", then ripping open the curtain to prove that the sun is indeed rising.

The exception to this is any time they actually need to get up early, where I'll have to wake them up in their beds, and deal with crying and screaming about how tired they still are.

On this morning R did the waking, and I stumbled out of bed to get him breakfast. In the hall he stopped and picked up something off the floor - "how did that get here?"

It was a gumnut. So I mumbled, as I tried to force my eyes open, "ahh, when I brought the pram inside it must have come in".

He replied, "you're tricking me!"

I said, "what?"

He said, "a muppet didn't bring it in!"

I said, "what?".

Then after a long pause, the meaning of his statement dawned on me, so I explained - "I said, 'it must have come in', not 'a muppet came in'".

He looked at me sceptically and asked me to say everything again.

2.
The night before J had called out, "daddy, I want a cold pillow".

This request started when once one of the kids claimed they were hot in bed, and I said I'd get him a cold pillow and flipped it over. It solved the problem for that night, as there was no more calling out and they quickly fell asleep. But it created a problem the next night and almost every night since, as they both now call out for cold pillows as part of their routine of delaying bedtime. The worst is when they ask you come in, say "I want a cold pillow", then flip it themselves while you're watching.

Anyway, so I'm flipping the pillow from hot to cold, and J asks, "what are you eating?".

It had been the middle of dinner, and I respond with "salad", assuming he can smell the dressing.

J smiled. Then he said, "salad is disgusting. Good night!", and rolled over. 

3.
What is more disgusting than salad is when I helped J blow his nose and he commented on lots of boogers coming onto the tissue.

What is even more disgusting is R then said, "usually I eat my boogers".

4.
Back to bedtime, and two nights after the salad talk, J woke up screaming. I couldn't make sense of it, but as he slowly called down he said, "I don't want to ride the zebra!"

5.
He probably didn't want to ride the zebra because of his cautious nature. Watching ABC 4 Kids and a promotional advertisement for a Thomas the Tank Engine special is playing. In the clip, Thomas comes speeding over a hill and gets airborne.

J exclaimed, "look, Thomas is off the tracks!" Then excitedly, "how?". I said I don't know. He said, "maybe...", then trailed off, clearly still thinking deeply about this mystery. Then, "maybe, maybe he wasn't being very careful."

6.
From stop motion trains to real ones, about one week after that time when R peed all over the floor, he says on the train home "I did a poo...". After a pause that is just long enough for me to begin to panic, he adds, "...at school. Can I have a chocolate?"

7.
A few days later R demonstrated the power of the pause again. After asking for and receiving a cuddle, he smiled and began "Daddy?". I thought he was obviously going to say he loved me, or that I was pretty great, or something else good for my fragile ego.

Instead he said, "you are stinky. Did you do a smelly fart?". 

I had not, by the way

8.
J was being difficult while I was busy with Baby O. After some protracted negotiations, J said, "I don't love O. I love fire trucks."

I asked, "what else do you love?"

"Fire trucks", he repeated and then, "J for Josh, and playing with play doh."

9.
Whenever we go in the car, R usually falls asleep before we leave our street. J actually needs to be tired to do so. We were driving for about one hour and he was staring out the window the entire time. I asked him if he was okay. He said, "stop it, go away", and turned back to the window.

10.
We come to the end with perhaps the first real joke any of my kids has made, as opposed to being funny by accident or funny through being deliberately silly.

My wife was trying to go for shower and pushed R out of the bathroom and shut the door. Next thing she heard him bump against the door. Then he said, "wanna build a snowmannnn?".

It's a Frozen joke. You have to start somewhere.

When I heard this story, I said to R,  "you're funny". His reply was, "I'm always funny."