I Hate Your Footy Team

This is a ranked list of how much I hate all the clubs from the two major footy codes in Australia* and why.

The original title for this column.
But it turned out it was already taken.

Footnote:
*Sorry, rugby and soccer, you aren't major in Australia - come back when you get some commercial free-to-air coverage.

1-17. Adelaide Crows, Brisbane Lions, Carlton Blues, Collingwood Magpies, Essendon Bombers, Fremantle Dockers, Geelong Cats, Gold Coast Suns, GWS Giants, Melbourne Demons, North Melbourne Kangaroos, Port Adelaide Power, Richmond Tigers, St. Kilda Saints, Sydney Swans, West Coast Eagles, Western Bulldogs
Because they play in the AFL.

18. Hawthorn Hawks
They also play in the AFL, but their most capped player is a distant relative. Go the Hawks!

19. Brisbane Broncos
This is a club that monopolises a rugby league crazy city of two million people, is majority-owned by a possibly evil multinational media corporation, and can pay below-market value for players due to "homesickness", better access to third party deals, or perhaps club directors mysteriously spending $300,000.

Yet they have also spent most of its existence claiming to be a victim and underdog against the Sydney establishment.

The Broncos are Goliath, if that giant claimed he was actually David the entire time.

There is not a plausible hypothetical scenario I can conjure up where I would want them to win or where they would elicit any sympathy from me.

20. Manly Sea Eagles
Growing up, I didn't know what a silvertail was, but I knew Manly was one, and I should hate them for it. Hating Manly was a valuable skill passed from father to son, like how to change a tap washer, or putting tiny squares on your face when you cut yourself shaving.

In the early 2000s, the club had a disastrous joint venture with Norths, and briefly were a team that garnered some sympathy. Then they got good again, so it was acceptable to hate them again, and all was right with the world.

It helps when your recent success also involves two of the most unlikeable and whiniest coaches in rugby league history in Geoff Toovey and Des Hasler. There are other more grave considerations though. Like that Stephen Dank was at the Sharks for just a few months, but he was employed by the Sea Eagles for six years and their association ended over injections. It is documented they were doing weird shit like calf blood injections and "special drinks" as early as 2008. This season the Sea Eagles are also suspected to be breaching the salary cap, with NSW police involved. Watch this space!

21. Melbourne Storm
I really want the Melbourne to succeed, you know, for the good of rugby league. It is vital to have a sustainable team in Australia's second largest city. They have two in the first largest, after all.

But the fact the NRL has two seasons with no premiership winner is a dark cloud (or should that be Storm cloud...) over the team.

I also really struggle to believe that one of the most successful coaches in NRL history was so removed from recruitment to be completely oblivious to it all. Just putting that libel out there.

22. Sydney Roosters
I don't totally buy into the 'no fans and no juniors' criticisms. The Roosters crowds are ok, and their successes with locals coming through to first grade is pretty good considering there are literally only four clubs in the area. Certainly teams with a lot more do a lot less with local talent.

But the geography is still problematic. It seems crazy that we had teams representing thriving areas like Campbelltown and Illawarra forced into mergers, while a tiny pocket of Sydney gets its own team. Everything would be better with the Sydney City Saints.

The other problematic thing
about the Roosters.

23. Canterbury Bulldogs
They are the mythical 'family club' who this season let their only local in top grade sign with another team. They have a lot of great supporters, but also have a small minority of fans that make them the most hostile supporters group in the league.

And as far as salary cap rorts go, they may have been the worst offenders ever.

Add Des Hasler to the mix, and there isn't much to like.

24. South Sydney Rabbitohs
Souths were my dads team, and briefly my team, before I actually went to a game at the Wollongong Showground and committed to the Steelers for life. And by life, I mean until 1998.

That date explains my mixed feelings about Souths.

Also they have never got as many
to attend a match as the did to a protest.

I kind of get annoyed that they were reinstated to the NRL. When others like Illawarra merged, they went to court. There is no North Sydney Bears because they went into debt to move to the Central Coast and secure their future, but it rained too much to build their Gosford stadium in time. But Souths, a basket case for 25 years that buried their head in the sand as the tide rolled in, still survive. Then after rising from the dead as the peoples club, they became a private entity anyway.

I also hate that they are called the Rabbitohs, but often referred to as the Rabbits or Bunnies instead. History lesson: a rabbitoh was a person that sold rabbits in the streets for eating. They cried out "rabbitoh!" as they hawked their delicious wares to get attention. So calling Souths the Bunnies is like calling the ivory-poacher an elephant. Stop.

25. Parramatta Eels
More contempt than hate here. Parramatta breached the salary cap. When Canberra, Canterbury and Melbourne cheated, they prospered. When Parra cheated, they won the wooden spoon. The punishment of being penalised 12 competition points has been considered lenient, but not making the finals for eight seasons in a salary capped competition where 50% of teams make the finals every season seems like punishment enough.

26. Cronulla Sharks
As a Dragons supporter, I should probably hate the Sharks more. But the Illawarra Steelers always seemed to smash them throughout the 1990s, so I have some good vibes about them. The blackest day in Australian sport was not a great look, although the comparison with the East Germany Bombers makes their crimes seems minor. 

27. Wests Tigers
I hate how they handled the departure of Robbie Farah, an inexplicable favourite of mine. I hate even more that after siding with the new coach in his classic power struggle against a veteran player like Farah, the board also sacked him three rounds into the next season. But outside of the poor off-field management, I don't actually hate the side on the field.

28. New Zealand Warriors
Are we supposed to hate New Zealand? I'm not sure. Anyway, I generally want them to succeed and help spread the game across the shaky isles.

29. North Queensland Cowboys
It is virtually impossible to hate this guy:

But when he retires, all bets are off.

30. Canberra Raiders

31. Penrith Panthers
The 1990 and 1991 grand finals were close to peak rugby league fandom for me. The age of innocence, when I loved the greatest game of all, but knew nothing other than what I saw at the ground or on television. So I have a bit of a soft spot for the Green Machine and the Chocolate Soldiers.

32. Gold Coast Titans

If they ever become a good team they will shoot up this list.

33. Newcastle Knights

Hating a team as bad as the Knights should be illegal. Much like their history of drug use. BOOM!

But everyone decent (that is, not a Manly or Brisbane supporter) has a soft spot for the 1997 Knights side. Also, since I'm from the 'Gong, I can't hate a team from a city that made steel.

34. St. George-ILLAWARRA Dragons
I think Renton said it best:

It's SHITE being a Steelers supporter. We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking NRL! The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into rugby league. Some hate the Dragons supporters. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are JOINT VENTURED by wankers. Can't ever find a decent club to be joint ventured by. We're taken over by effete arseholes. It's a SHITE state of affairs to be in, reader, and ALL the socks in the world won't make any fucking difference!

It's not that bad, but it is true I will never care about the Dragons the same way as the mighty Illawarra Steelers. I accept it had to happen, but will always resent that it actually did.